Sunday Confessions: 5-3-26

"I think I was a wealthy person in a past life."

Welcome to Sunday Confessions. Each Sunday through Sunday Scaries Instagram stories, readers submit their totally-anonymous confessions. Because sometimes it just feels good to get off your chest.

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It’s 6:57 a.m. in Spain and I just went through all of this week’s confessions. My personal confession this week is that I’ve become so bad with time zones that I keep having to Google when I should schedule this week’s newsletter for. If you receive this email far earlier than normal (or late), it’s because time zones wreck my brain. Like I’m pretty sure it’s still Sunday in most of the United States as I type this.

Anyway, here are this week’s confessions.

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Made $50k on a Kentucky Derby bet and haven’t told anyone.

I have reached the age where silver foxes do it for me and I’m surrounded by them at work.

I’m starting therapy this week.

Slept with my best friend on vacation. Agreed we don’t want to ruin our friendship and it can’t happen again, but I can’t stop thinking about how good it was.

I’ve worked a part-time bartending gig for the better part of four years and never once have I been asked for my number which makes me feel worse than it should but like, damn.

I hooked up with an incredibly hot doctor who was in my town for a conference a couple weeks ago, and I cannot stop thinking about it. He is probably the hottest man I *will ever* have sex with. The sex was incredible and, as someone who has struggled with body image and weight issues, it gave me so much of my confidence back. It makes me a little sad that the night will stay with me for the rest of my life, but he will probably never think about me again.

I plan to accidentally miss my flight for a work trip today because I have a terrible case of Sunday Scaries.

Thought I was being smart taking the first flight out from a bachelor party, pulled an all-nighter rather than sleeping the possible 3 hours. Just landed and that was a huge mistake.

Was about to propose to my girlfriend during an international trip but pulled the plug when I found out she has a burner account to stalk exes.

Spent another weekend waiting and hoping for a text that never came.

Brought a paperback on vacation that I was fairly sure I hadn’t read yet. Got to page 43 and saw that I had already marked it up with pencil from my first reading. Having no recollection of reading this book actually worries me.

Started a new job, boss caught me flossing with my hair day two.

Threw myself a 30th birthday party on Friday night. Blacked out and fell in my bathroom only to wake up the next morning with a sprained ankle and so many questions.

I named my vibrator after my boss.

I can’t decide if the men in my hot yoga classes are just performative males, testing a new hunting ground, or if I’m actually impressed (and a little into it) when they show real vulnerability, sweating and struggling amongst all the beautiful goddesses in the classes.

Heavily considering raising the age ceiling on the apps to 60. I’m ready for my sugar baby era.

I graduate with my MBA this week but haven’t come close to finding a full time job. I fear that going back to school is the worst career move I’ve ever made.

i don’t know how rotten tomatoes works. something about a movie certified rotten or fresh just confuses me.

Devastated to discover that I’ve reached the age where, in addition to all my other problems, I now have to worry about cellulite too.

I’m like 80% sure our friends are a swinger couple and are trying to hint it to us to see if we’re open.

I was really annoyed at my husband so I purposely braked more aggressively in stop and go highway traffic so he’d get a lil queasy while looking at his phone.

I still have my Christmas village set up.

Sometimes I wish my husband had to go out of town for work for a few days so I could have the house to myself.

I’ve achieved more professionally than I ever dreamt I would but don’t have enough money to retire or even feel comfortable long-term. While I’m genuinely proud, I don’t know where to muster up more motivation to continue now that nothing feels as exciting as it did five years ago.

got fingered in the back of my car like a teenager this weekend, i can’t wait to see him again.

Mass layoffs expected this week. Part of me hopes I’m one of them so I don’t have to work this summer.

I think I was a wealthy person in a past life.

I have a golf ball-sized lymph node that I’m just vibing through until the meds kick in.

I haven’t deleted all of the photos in my phone of my ex and I just in case we ever end up back together. But it’s been 3 years and we’re both in relationships.

I’ve seen the Devil Wears Prada 2 five times already. It’s healing something in my soul.

Unblocked him just in case he reaches out because I’m down to get folded like a pretzel.

My house cleaner used my house as her “before” pic.

Drank so much champagne last night that I cried at a Derby party, then sang power ballads at the top of my lungs to my cat when I got home. I’m almost fifty.

recently became a sugar baby and i truly don’t think i can go back

I’ve been slowly removing things from my desk at work in the hope that it tells the universe how desperately I need a new job.

one of my clients is soooo handsome that I get nervous even when I email him.

Jenny, I know you’re watching my stories and I’m not sleeping with your ex boyfriend. Please relax.

My boyfriend walked in on me getting myself off to self-insert superhero fan fiction. I lied and told him I was trying to get ready before I called him in the bedroom. After we hooked up he tried to open my phone to see what I was reading—I snatched it so fast. I did NOT want him to see that.

I love hosting potlucks because i get to keep the leftovers and not cook for a week. I’m 36.

Every time I think I want a different job, I realize I don’t want to wear a dress shirt for a living and just keep doing what I’m doing.

Said I had a migraine on Friday. I had nail appointment. I needed a Summer Friday.

Someone asked me if I was pregnant. I am not. Time for Ozempic.

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