72 People Reveal Their Secret 2025 New Year's Resolutions

"Win therapy so I can become best friends with my therapist."

Read last year’s edition here.

It’s time for an admission: I have yet to record any resolutions for this year myself. While I still very much intend to do so, I’ve opened my notebook numerous times only to shut it and put it off until later. However, after going through about 450 submissions, I think I may be more inspired than ever.

Whatever it is you hope to accomplish this year, I hope you do it. On to this year’s submissions.

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Write smut for my own enjoyment.

Get lipo on my double chin as soon as my baby is born. My mom started making me insecure about it as a teen when I was a size 2 and it’s so much worse now that I’m pregnant.

Honestly, have a lot more sex. Been divorced for 2 years and didn’t think I’d ever be with anyone again. But recently I found the person and I had no idea what I was missing. 2025. The year of multiple orgasms.

Stop smoking a drunk cig… and using one pint as an excuse to have one.

Put more effort in my personal hygiene, I know sounds gross.

to get hot enough to make my ex regret being born

going on ozempic PURELY FOR AESTHETICS idc

To be hotter than my sister - I’m sick of her one upping me and getting all the attention.

lose my virginity (i’m 28 in feb)

Learning to trim my own hair like 1/2 inch or less because I refuse to pay $75 in 2025 for someone to do it.

Get better, healthier, wealthier, smarter and prettier than all my friends.

To look hotter than my sister at her wedding (I’m married already).

Move across the country to a new city. I've lived in the same Midwest state for 39 years. I will be 40 next year and want to experience something new before it feels too scary and don't have make the jump.

I swear too much and I want to make a conscious effort to stop.

Quit my job. Have sex with my husband more. Cut off all ties with my MIL.

Travel as much as I possibly can without my husband.

lose just enough weight that the Max Mara coat I thrifted for $100 isn’t tight in the arms

Don’t get tempted into becoming a sugar baby this year!

I want to get hot enough that not just my husband, but the whole town wants to fuck me.

To finally write that book.

No more random drunken hookups. That’s all I’ve ever known and I’m over it.

No more of this cycle of downloading-deleting-redownloading the apps. I am determined to stay off the dating apps for real, and get out and about more so I can put myself in a better position to meet someone in the wild.

I need to pay off a $13,000 line of credit. It is embarrassing to have debt, be a parent and not have an emergency fund if things go to shit.

Learn to make hollandaise sauce and poached eggs. Begin to learn to read sheet music, take piano lessons.

i want to slow the hell down. hustle culture has me in too tight of a grip. it’s time to care a little less about my career trajectory and care a lot more for my mind, body and spirit.

Start a skin care routine. Just turned 40 and it’s starting to show.

Get off of Ozempic.

To stop talking shit about all of my friends behind their backs.

Actually use my deeply expensive skincare products.

I am going to get in shape. Not for health, but so that I can be a see you next tuesday to all the people that have been mean to me.

I want to learn how to masturbate and make myself orgasm.

To stop eating cold cuts…in the evening…after dessert…

Stop lying to my boyfriend about not smoking weed. I’m not going tell him I smoke, I’m going to finally stop getting violently high before bed.

I think I want to quit drinking but I’m afraid it will ruin my social life.

Fall in ridiculous love. I’m tired of being jealous of everyone married with kids. I’m tired of being alone. I’m crossing a big bucket list trip off in February. My single girl era is over.

Don’t be a drunk fucking idiot.

Speak up for what I want in bed. I’m done being the girl who does what her boyfriend wants because she can’t speak up about wanting to be choked!

I plan to be 15% wackier in 2025. They ain’t ready.

Be ruthless and beat my friends’ asses on the golf course.

I’m going to apply for Survivor. I’ve said it out loud, but people think I’m joking. I’m not.

To actually update my Raya profile and put it to good use. All my pictures on there are from 2019.

Work from my actual desk instead of my couch.

As newlyweds, my family is pressuring my husband and I to having kids, so my goal is to get abs instead.

To convince my brother-in-law to dump his terrible, terrible girlfriend.

Make my bed every day. It sounds so easy and yet it rarely happens.

To get good enough at painting that I could start selling my art.

Stop mouth-breathing.

Find a sugar someone so they can pay my bills while I keep enjoying my unemployment.

Drop my bookclub and find new friends.

To complete my bucket list of 12 types of guys I want to fuck (I’m recently divorced after 15 faithful years of marriage).

Stop using my burner account to creep my ex’s girlfriend’s instagram.

Learn to swim. Nothing like the embarrassment of not being able to swim as a 36 year old.

To floss my teeth consistently and not have bloody gums at my bi-annual dentist appointments.

Be less chronically online. I’d love to not always have already seen every meme, Tweet, and TikTok my friends send me.

Be more of a bitch to all of the men in my life specifically.

Become a sommelier! Or at least just broaden my palette beyond $3 bottles.

Stop constantly bitching about my mother in law. Begin to implement ‘in one ear and out the other’ when it comes to dealing with her.

To go more wild this year, I’m talking bleached hair and nose piercing wild. I also want to purchase a longboard.

Keep more secrets from my family. I love them dearly, but I’m 30 years old and don’t need them knowing the minutia of my private life. Just because they ask doesn’t mean I have to tell them.

I reeeeeally can’t f*ck my ex.

I haven’t checked my bank account in over a year. My resolution is to keep an eye on my finances and maintain a budget.

Masturbate more often and more creatively to give myself hotter orgasms.

to get california sober

I’m a full grown adult woman and I’m resolving to take trumpet lessons and learn to play “Lady Fingers.”

No more one night stands. 45 years old it’s time to get serious about a relationship.

Cursing less. Little unattractive for a girl to have a huge sailor mouth.

Learn to cook better so I can eat healthier food at home and actually enjoy it.

Land the internship; get the skinniest i have been; go completely blonde and disappear over the summer.

A friend recently told me we’ll never get better looking than we are right now and so I plan to spite her in 2025 and get in the best shape of my life.

Mail it in more.

Finally sign the paperwork to begin our restaurant operation partnership.

Win therapy so I can become best friends with my therapist.

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