72 People Reveal Their Secret 2024 New Year's Resolutions

"Quit my job so I can date my boss."

At the time, it was the most hungover I’d ever felt. But it always feels like that in the moment. I had woken up at noon on January 1st, 2020 — and I’m still not sure if it was because of how much we drank the night before or because I was still on American time while in Scotland.

With everyone else still sleeping, I did something I don’t normally do: I opened up (and began actually writing!) in the notebook I brought on vacation with me in my carry-on. While it normally sits idly in my backpack wondering why it’s always with me despite being ignored, this time it was being used to write down ten New Year’s resolutions I wanted to take home with me.

Every year since then, I’ve done the exact same thing on the first day of the year. Sit down, write ten things, register them, move on. Then, at the end of the year, I can see where the chips fall.

And normally, I can look back and be proud of myself for accomplishing at least a few of them.

While I’m not exactly sure why, I’ve always loved the idea of New Year’s resolutions no matter how big or how small they are. They allow us to assess ourselves in ways that no one else can. They help us boil our lives down to the simplest thing that can turn them around. They obligate us.

To start this year, I wanted to set up a confessional of sorts. An anonymous way for readers to submit their secret resolutions and get them into the world. Because far too often we find ourselves not saying the things we want to say at group dinners for fear of judgment.

Everything you read below was submitted independently by someone who’s part of the Sunday Scaries community. These were submitted without names, ages, or emails, and none of them were edited for anything but spelling.

From inspiring to inappropriate to downright heart-wrenching, I assure you that there’s something here for everyone reading. Even if you weren’t looking for it.

(And yes, I anonymously submitted mine below as well.)

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I want to look hotter than my ex’s girlfriend. I’m married but I still want to look hotter

I have to stop hating my mother in law!

Have more sex with my partner and be more imaginative in bed.

To feel comfortable walking away from what’s not serving me the second I realize it - work, friends, dating, family members, etc. Sooner you walk away from the bad the sooner you can start the good.

Do a threesome with or without my girlfriend.

I’ve promised myself to masturbate much more furiously this year.

Stop texting and driving.

To eye-fuck more people in public (subway, bars, elevators, etc). Let’s boycott the dating apps!

To finally stop obsessing over the girl my husband had an affair with. It’s been years. I’m better than that!

Putting laundry away the same day it’s dry.

Keep track of my poos to see if my gut is functioning properly.

I want to start a small business making after-shave. I found some recipes and methods. And I hate all the store bought stuff. This would be a fun project and also a side hustle.

Lose weight. God it’s so cringe to say that but it’s true.

Distancing myself from a friend. (Does she low key hate me?)

Use my new “toys” once a week.

I’m going to finally stop thinking about her.

Stop smoking weed every night before bed… I’ve said I was gonna stop for months and haven’t and it’s ruining my health.

Drinking a LOT less. On the weekends I feel like I rage a little too hard for being 38 years old.

Learn to love my fiancé.

Graduate. Exactly 20 years after I started this torture.

Shave my hooha more. She got wild in 2023.

Slowly, non-dramatically ending a friendship with another core person of our friend group who has been nothing but toxic for my life.

Learn to grill chicken.

Quit. Pursue what I’ve wanted to for years rather than feeling tied down to others who rely on me.

Honestly, after 11 years being single and not having sex, I’m ready to get f*cked. Just full on dirty, nasty sex because it’s been so long. God, that felt good to share.

I’m embarrassed but I would love to take acting or singing classes…

Say peoples names when I say hi because it will help me remember them, feels more personable and makes people like me more.

I want to stop caring so much about my boss’s opinion of me. Last year I legitimately cried at least 5 times just because of passive things she says.

Stop looks at coworkers calendars to see how “busy” they pretend they are. I’ve spent an embarrassing amount of time doing this and want to stop.

Get the hottest I’ve ever been and have a threesome.

To become one of those nude models for a legit art class. It’s terrifying and vulnerable.

Be more cunty :)

Find a reason to leave the house (even just for a walk) before sunset on days I work from home.

Take more pics of myself naked.

Quit my job so I can date my boss.

Being able to do 8 pull ups unassisted.

Starting a fake yacht club with a friend to sell real ridiculous merch and host cool events for our friends.

Swap the espresso martinis for decaf and the cigarettes for bubble gum.

To get my credit score out of the ground so I cn finally move out of my parents house and be an adult at 25. I’ve never lived on my own, never really dated and think it’s time to grow into the adult I want to be.

No more faking orgasms in 2024.

To get divorced.

To get engaged.

Cut out several friends because their lifestyle isn’t conducive to the rest of my goals and a healthier mindset.

Getting ready to do IVF (again) to try to have a second kid. No one knows (not even our families) and everyone keeps asking us when we’re having the next one.

Spend less on OF subscriptions.

Hook up with a girl (I’m a married woman).

To finally lose my virginity and get a boyfriend (I’m 21).

Figure out how to spend less time working on the business *I started* (that makes me great money, but also sometimes makes me miserable), so I can spend more time on activities that pay nothing but bring me joy.

Get really great at making omelettes. Restaurant omelettes are trash.

To come so hard my vagina breaks.

Wash my bedsheets more than once every [redacted].

Get hotter for the sole purpose of looking amazing at a wedding I’ll be attending with my boyfriend’s ex later in the year.

I want to find God.

To no longer log into my ex’s emails.

Ghost my situationship so I no longer have to eat his ass.

Learn to parallel park.

Following a skin care routine. I’m a guy and my friends would make fun of me if they knew.

Drop some weight and become a dad.

Setting myself up to transfer to Harvard law school. Just watch me. :)

Post more thirst traps.

I won’t continue a drunken night to turn into a 2-day bender. I hope I won’t?

I’m as square as they get but I’ve always wanted to hustle someone out of their cash in a game of pool so I want to improve my shot and somehow look more like a clueless rube at the bar.

Take my boss’s job.

I always tell people that a certain novel is my is my favorite book and recommend it all the time, but I’ve started it like 10 times and never actually finished it. This year, I’m gonna finish the damn book.

Quit my corporate communications job and become a pastry chef.

To stop letting myself get caught in the middle of how my parents irresponsibly handled their divorce. I'm not responsible for how this has turned out so take it up with your exes, it's been 6 fucking years.

I’d like to eat more fries and sit on more faces this year.

Live. I have cancer and a very dark sense of humour.

Finally tell my husband that I do want a baby.

Match my socks and wear fancy lingerie.

Big time wineo. Like 2-3 bottles a night. I’m currently 24 days sober & it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My resolution is to stay sober this year.

I want to bake a loaf of homemade bread every week. I feel like everyone went through their sourdough phase during quarantine but me. Now I’m ready!

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